Month: August 2015

Trump Proposes Amnesty For Millions Of Undocumented Bigots

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trump stern

In a bold effort to differentiate himself from a crowded republican primary field, Donald Trump introduced a sweeping policy agenda this morning that would provide amnesty to the estimated 36 million undocumented bigots living in the U.S. today.

The treatise titled “We win, they lose,” outlines Trump’s positions on the economy, immigration, and foreign policy, with the ambitious goal of liberating American bigots who’ve been forced to practice their hatred in the shadows for fear of public alienation.

“There are many honest, hardworking bigots in this country who, because of the liberal towns they were born into, aren’t able to enjoy the same outspoken brand of bigotry afforded some of their brothers in the south,” explained Trump. “They can’t start a white supremacist blog or condescend to a Mexican reporter because they’ll be discriminated against.  I say to them, ‘elect Donald Trump as your president and step out into the light!'”

Trump then highlighted a particular case of undocumented bigotry that resonates deeply with his target audience: the experience of a bigot child who, through no fault of his own, was born into a family that sees all people as equal.

“Who are we as a country if we penalize an innocent bigot child for the views of his loser parents?” asked an emotional Trump.

We win, they lose, like all of Trump’s political moves thus far, is already a huge hit with his ever-growing base of supporters.

“I won’t have to hide my hatred for people based on their race, religion, or sexual orientation just because of what the pussies on the liberal school board might say about it,” said a San Francisco parent who asked to go by the name Whitey Dukes to protect his anonymity.

Dukes grew up in a bigoted household in South Carolina, but when his company transferred him to the Bernal Heights neighborhood in San Francisco’s Mission District, he had to bury the truest form of himself.

“That’s why I’d follow Trump to the end of the Earth,” continued Dukes.  “If he was president I could finally suggest the idea of Nazi Cotillion without the whole room looking at me like I’m some kind of alien, here illegally.”

Markets Tumble Further After God Sells All His Stock

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God

stock market panic big group

Stock exchanges worldwide suffered another setback this morning after God, historically a champion of long-term investment, sold every stock he owned.

“I just don’t love what I see out there,” said God, “so even with the capital gains tax up at 20% I thought it was a good time to pull out.  Which doesn’t always work, by the way.”

God’s complete market withdrawal created a panic among casual investors who fear another recession, but most experts say it’s not the end of the world.

“This God news isn’t ideal,” said Goldman Sachs’ Chief Financial Officer Douglas Bloomstein, “but I haven’t talked to a single member of the world’s richest 1% who want out, and every one of them has more money than God.”

As for what our Supreme Creator has decided to do with his money?

“I put everything into a deity-only market called the Universe 500, where the other Holy Beings and I speculate on every life-form in existence,” said God.

“I’ve shorted almost all of Earth’s commodities (meaning he profits if they collapse).  Air, water, common sense, empathy, every animal, every human, etc.  I’m bullish on fire and tears, but I’ve shorted everything else.”

*Editor’s note: As of press time, God’s investment has already tripled thanks to America’s ongoing failure to curb gun violence, a 2.6% uptick in blind religious zealotry, and Donald Trump’s stable position atop of the GOP polls.

“Why I’ll Opt To Use My Own Private Collection Of Nuclear Weapons If Elected President,” by Hillary Clinton

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Hillary Clinton 1

My fellow Americans,

I have heard a great deal of backlash over my decision to conduct top-secret government business on a personal email server as Secretary of State.   I understand and appreciate your concern.

While I believe my actions were legal and in our country’s best interests, I left the door open for doubt with my lack of transparency, and I regret not being forthright with my intentions at the start of my term as Madam Secretary.

For this reason, I want to be perfectly honest with you about something from the get-go:

If I’m elected President, and we’re pushed into a nuclear conflict, I will use a nuke from my own private collection of nukes to devastate our enemies.

Not a government nuke.  My own personal nuke.

So don’t act all surprised and say you didn’t know.

It’s not that I don’t think our government’s nuclear arsenal is top-notch.  It’s just that I know my own arsenal to be the most lethal, state-of-the-art collection of nukes in the world.  Ever since I first had the idea that it might be nice to have my own nuclear weapon (in the middle of my husband’s second term), I have personally tended to every aspect of the proliferation process, from staffing, to quality control, to testing.

I trust my nukes.  I’ve named them. I snuggle with them regularly.

But even with all this being said, I can already hear the naysayers.

If the U.S. gets dragged into a nuclear war while I’m president and I opt to launch from my own stash, some people will surely say that the government’s arsenal is massive and intimidating, whereas a smaller, personal nuke collection won’t frighten our enemies.

I hear you.  Our government has thousands of nukes and I only have several.  However, when you have so many nukes it can be hard to decide which one to launch.  I know exactly which one of my nukes I’d launch first:  Hillary Jr.  Without question.

Hillary Clinton wide eye

If you’re still having trouble wrapping your head around this decision, put yourself in my shoes for a second.

If you were President and you felt in your heart that a new law governing campaign finance, or healthcare perhaps, would be great for the country – would you risk trying to achieve this law’s passage through the minefield that is our constitutionally outlined legislative process, or would you nut-up and find a way to pass the law by yourself, in private, using your own words and no one else’s?

That’s what I thought.  And that’s exactly how I feel about nukes.

Trust me on this one.

Sincerely,

H.R.C.

Donald Trump Calls Out The Number 10 For No Longer Being A 10

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trump

Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump electrified 30,000 supporters at an Alabama rally on Friday when he declared that the number 10, a stalwart of modern mathematics long thought to be a 10, was “sadly, no longer a 10.”

“(the number 10) had an impressive run as a 10 considering it immigrated to this country from ancient Egypt without my consent,” Trump conceded, “but it has to go.”

In a bold response to critics who say he’s more bluster than substance, the current leader of the Republican Party unveiled a plan to remove the 10 from our numerical system and replace it with “The Trump,” a symbol that will be equal to the 10 in value.  He then spent the next several hours leading the crowd of giddy Alabamans through a series of exercises to bring them up to speed on his new counting system.

“On a scale of 1 to Trump, I am a…?” Trump asked.

“Trump!” the crowd roared.

“7 plus 3 equals…?” Trump asked.

“…Tr…umm…p…?” answered some of the crowd with Trump’s help.

The bombastic real estate tycoon and former reality TV star has risen to the top of the GOP primary field by appealing to a passionate swath of white, anti-immigration voters who never made it out of the Trumpth grade.