Stock exchanges worldwide suffered another setback this morning after God, historically a champion of long-term investment, sold every stock he owned.

“I just don’t love what I see out there,” said God, “so even with the capital gains tax up at 20% I thought it was a good time to pull out.  Which doesn’t always work, by the way.”

God’s complete market withdrawal created a panic among casual investors who fear another recession, but most experts say it’s not the end of the world.

“This God news isn’t ideal,” said Goldman Sachs’ Chief Financial Officer Douglas Bloomstein, “but I haven’t talked to a single member of the world’s richest 1% who want out, and every one of them has more money than God.”

As for what our Supreme Creator has decided to do with his money?

“I put everything into a deity-only market called the Universe 500, where the other Holy Beings and I speculate on every life-form in existence,” said God.

“I’ve shorted almost all of Earth’s commodities (meaning he profits if they collapse).  Air, water, common sense, empathy, every animal, every human, etc.  I’m bullish on fire and tears, but I’ve shorted everything else.”

*Editor’s note: As of press time, God’s investment has already tripled thanks to America’s ongoing failure to curb gun violence, a 2.6% uptick in blind religious zealotry, and Donald Trump’s stable position atop of the GOP polls.