Citing the importance of being the world’s toughest government body as it relates to starting meetings and managing interruptions, House republicans passed a bill today to replace the clerk’s gavel with an AR-15 assault rifle.

“A democratic majority introduced this puny gavel in the 19th century,” said Speaker Paul Ryan, holding it out like a soiled piece of trash.  “And I ask you:  when Isis holds a meeting to plot our demise, do you think they use a gavel to bring order —  or do they use one of THESE babies?!”

Speaker Ryan then lifted a Colt LE6920 Socom II into the air and fired off a few rounds to the carnal delight of the 246 republican representatives in the chamber.  A spirited up-and-down vote followed despite the absence of the House’s 188 democratic representatives, all of whom had run from the building like a bunch of unarmed sissies.

“Now, we should probably address the fact that if the Clerk is armed with an assault rifle, every representative must also have the right to bring an assault rifle to work, just in case the Clerk’s mental health is compromised and shots start flying.”

Ryan then introduced bill sb187, informally titled the “Arm All Members of Congress With Assault Weapons” act, which will be voted on by the chamber’s 243 remaining able-bodied republicans as soon as the blood is wiped from the House floor.