Funny

Scientists: Roger Goodell Could Permanently Forget Deflategate Ever Happened After Playing Just 3 Seasons In NFL

~ mikejohnson683 ~ Leave a comment

roger goodell

A study conducted by hundreds of the world’s top neuroscientists has concluded that Roger Goodell could erase all his deflategate-related memories by self-administering a dose of blunt head trauma equivalent to just 3 seasons in the NFL.

“There are other ways Mr. Goodell could go about moving on from this embarrassing debacle,” explained Boston-based neurosurgeon Amelia Brown.  “He could find a new job or oversee an even more embarrassing scandal for the NFL, but if Mr. Goodell wants to actually erase his deflategate memories by reconfiguring his brain, we’ve found that there’s no substitute to subjecting himself to the same levels of repeated head trauma experienced by the average third-year player in the very league that he supervises.”

Dr. Brown did note one important caveat to the study that may pertain to the case of Commissioner Goodell: the results only apply to humans with normally functioning empathy centers in their brains to begin with, meaning people who possess a general awareness that their personal agenda must be pursued in the context of a world with billions of other people who also have thoughts and feelings.

“Over his tenure as commissioner Mr. Goodell has exhibited the behaviors of a certain subset of the human race that doesn’t need help erasing bad memories or feelings of guilt and embarrassment,” said Dr. Brown.  “Sociopathic dictators.”

“Joseph Stalin amassed incredible wealth and power by willfully abusing the people who served him, but he wouldn’t need to adopt a method to help him ‘move on’ because he saw nothing wrong with his behaviors in the first place.  Now, with Mr. Goodell, I’m not saying…” concluded Brown, “but I am kinda saying.”

Despite how desperate the commissioner must be to forget every aspect of the deflategate scandal, it’s unclear whether a man as chronically averse to the findings of neuroscience as Mr. Goodell would ever consider implementing the recommendations of this study.

However, if he did join his own league as a player and wished to maximize memory-erasing head trauma, a recent survey of hundreds of players and thousands of fans found unanimous agreement that the most dangerous job in the NFL this season will be “Quarterback for the Chicago Bears.”

Trump Proposes Amnesty For Millions Of Undocumented Bigots

~ mikejohnson683 ~ Leave a comment

trump stern

In a bold effort to differentiate himself from a crowded republican primary field, Donald Trump introduced a sweeping policy agenda this morning that would provide amnesty to the estimated 36 million undocumented bigots living in the U.S. today.

The treatise titled “We win, they lose,” outlines Trump’s positions on the economy, immigration, and foreign policy, with the ambitious goal of liberating American bigots who’ve been forced to practice their hatred in the shadows for fear of public alienation.

“There are many honest, hardworking bigots in this country who, because of the liberal towns they were born into, aren’t able to enjoy the same outspoken brand of bigotry afforded some of their brothers in the south,” explained Trump. “They can’t start a white supremacist blog or condescend to a Mexican reporter because they’ll be discriminated against.  I say to them, ‘elect Donald Trump as your president and step out into the light!'”

Trump then highlighted a particular case of undocumented bigotry that resonates deeply with his target audience: the experience of a bigot child who, through no fault of his own, was born into a family that sees all people as equal.

“Who are we as a country if we penalize an innocent bigot child for the views of his loser parents?” asked an emotional Trump.

We win, they lose, like all of Trump’s political moves thus far, is already a huge hit with his ever-growing base of supporters.

“I won’t have to hide my hatred for people based on their race, religion, or sexual orientation just because of what the pussies on the liberal school board might say about it,” said a San Francisco parent who asked to go by the name Whitey Dukes to protect his anonymity.

Dukes grew up in a bigoted household in South Carolina, but when his company transferred him to the Bernal Heights neighborhood in San Francisco’s Mission District, he had to bury the truest form of himself.

“That’s why I’d follow Trump to the end of the Earth,” continued Dukes.  “If he was president I could finally suggest the idea of Nazi Cotillion without the whole room looking at me like I’m some kind of alien, here illegally.”

U.S. Government Asks Major Studios To Make All Future Adam Sandler Movies About Killing Kim Jong-un

~ mikejohnson683 ~ Leave a comment

sandler that's my boy N. Korean leader inspects artillery firing drill

After Sony halted the release of its new movie “The Interview” in response to a North Korean cyber attack, President Obama called upon every major film studio in America to only produce Adam Sandler movies in the future if they’re about assassinating North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.

N. Korean leader inspects artillery firing drill

“Just think,” said President Obama, “If movies like Grown Ups, Grown Ups 2, Blended, Jack and Jill, That’s My Boy, Just Go With It, Mr. Deeds, Click, Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star… If any of them were about a plot to kill Kim Jong-un they never would have made it to the big screen.  We have to do better for our constituents, and that means pressuring Hollywood to churn out Adam Sandler movies that flagrantly provoke the North Korean regime.”

little nicky“I do like that Little Nicky though,” he added.  “I know I’m in the minority but something about it gets me good.”

While most high ranking officials inside the U.S. government have been searching for an effective countermeasure to the terror inflicted by Sandler movies for years, not everyone inside the White House is in agreement with the president’s new mandate.

“I get no credit for legislative accomplishments, I get blamed for campaign gaffes, and I’ve sat quietly by as the president has tacitly backed Hillary’s run in 2016,” simmered Vice President Joe Biden, “but if this jeopardizes the release of Grown Ups 3 in anyway whatsoever I think I might just lose it.”sandler grown ups

A representative close to Sandler says that “While initially surprised, Adam was ultimately excited by the President’s order, and has already begun work on a script in which Kim Jong-un is deathly allergic to wet farts and screaming.”

kim jong un sandler fart

Grand Jury Won’t Indict Ryan Gosling On Hotness Charge

~ mikejohnson683 ~ Leave a comment

Gosling2

A New York grand jury voted not to indict heartthrob actor Ryan Gosling on charges of hotness today, despite having reviewed hours of movie footage and countless print ads that portray the actor as so hot you can barely look at him anymore.

The shocking non-indictment provoked waves of rage and confusion around the country, hitting particularly hard in areas populated by anybody who’s ever seen Ryan Gosling.  It also has many wondering what exactly grand juries are looking at as they make these history-altering decisions?Gosling

Soon after the news was made public, President Obama took to the the White House lawn with a message of strength and empathy in hopes of pacifying a reeling nation.

“I can’t help thinking that Ryan Gosling could have been me 20 years ago, if instead of getting into politics I chose to be so hot you could fry an egg on a poster of me,”  the President said.

Grand juries are currently debating several other high profile cases around the country, and sources anticipate decisions next week that will retroactively dismiss the Nuremburg trials, and absolve the human race of any wrongdoing in the global warming crisis.